Chasing goals without grounding in who we are is a recipe for burnout—that’s why being matters more than ever in today’s hustle-fueled world. In this milestone solo episode, Rebecca Lee Desjardins unpacks the quiet, often-overlooked foundation of intentional leadership: presence, pause, and the deep wisdom of inner alignment. Through honest reflection and lived experience, she explores how redefining success from the inside out allows us to lead with clarity, connect with authenticity, and live with meaning beyond performance. This is a recalibration for the achiever ready to come home to themselves.
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Why Being Matters: Reclaiming Presence In A World Obsessed With Doing With Rebecca Lee Desjardins
In our doing, we are replaceable. In our being, we are one of a kind, says our guest Rebecca Desjardins. Settle into the uplifting conversation about the power of being. It’s not about changing into someone else but inviting your true self to be present and being true to yourself. Ever think about how we be, is how we become? Rebecca shows us what this looks like and she shares the ebb and flow of her life, where she recognizes her being is what truly makes all the difference.
She is passionate about helping you be the best you so we all may be the best of us. Rebecca is living her possible and she lifts people up through conversation, connection and community. Take a pause in your day to read this episode and check-in on how you want to be as you live your possible. Enjoy the show.
Rebecca, welcome to the show. How are you doing?
Thank you. I’m doing well. I’m excited to be here and always excited to be in conversation with you.
Darrin’s Welcome: Diving Into Curiosity And Community
The same. I always enjoy our chats. In fact, the first time we met was at your show, The Connext Exchange, where you connect and explore in community and just talk through some amazing topics. We’re going to explore that a little bit, too, I hope.
I would love to. It’s exciting to think that we’re going on our anniversary. It’ll be five years of weekly conversations.
Congrats, and people should definitely join. We’ll put a link there, but we’ll get into that in just a moment. Before we dive in, I’m curious. What’s on your mind these days? What’s got your attention?
How much time do we have for just that question? I am in a phase of continued self-reflection and personal growth. That’s always my go-to. I love questions and I direct them toward myself also. Through the course of life, I feel like I’m coming back to myself in some ways which is an interesting journey of seeing where you’ve been and seeing what’s still here and what you want to amplify in yourself. I love a learning curve and broadening that out in community and humanity and how each of us can and need to show up. Not only for ourselves but for those around us. We’re all here for a reason and we have impact.
How would you go about that? Is there a practice you go through every day when you think about self-reflection and how you think about where you are against that or where you want to be?
It’s just being in the world. Now someone who’s much more in touch with my energy and what it means to be. Most of my life has been as a doer and charging through, problem-solving and here’s what I’ve produced and this is what I’ve produced for a deadline or a client or driven by my to-do list. I’m much more driven by how I feel now. A little more sensitive to that when I’m in a place noticing what shows up and using that opportunity to learn for myself.
Have I chosen to put myself in a position or am I tolerating something that doesn’t serving me or where are the people, the experiences and places that bring joy? How can I get more of that? As I go about my day, I aspire to be a daily journaler but not always successful. I do meditate most days. Certainly, that’s a space. I am a person that my brain fires a lot while driving and while brushing my teeth. There’s a lot going on as I go about my day.
You highlight a lot of good spaces for reflection, asking ourselves these questions about where we’re at, what we are thinking and what’s going on. It’s so important. I love what you’re doing. You practice this every day. I know you were on the Generative Listening show. You talked about these little moments, community and about how you’re guided by curiosity and things that drive you each and every day. Those are great examples that we could dive into. Anybody reading, you’re just being guided by curiosity. How do you keep that straight? How do you keep that without reacting or giving judgment or what have you? How do you keep yourself in that space?
That’s what curiosity allows for. Curiosity can help keep me out of places of judgment because if I come in with a question versus a decree, if I come in wandering instead of thinking that I know how I experience things changes. That’s been my MO since I was a kid and that was an environment that my parents nurtured. We had constant dialogue and conversation. My mom used questions as a key parenting strategy like, “Where are you going? Who are you with? What time will you be back?” I’ve returned it with a, what does this mean, or seeing something on the news. It’s something that I value and have come to appreciate even more as I’ve gotten older and experienced different jobs and different people.
Curiosity is a beautiful asset and one that collectively I would love for us to encourage more instead of walking around like we have it figured out. The more people I talk to in one-on-one conversations in places where people feel like they can be authentic. I see a trend that a lot of people don’t know and yet, there’s this expectation that we all know that if you have a certain job title, you know. If you’re at a certain age, you know. We have to walk this walk that maybe is or isn’t authentic. We collect knowledge. I collect more questions, which can all be challenging for myself.
The Art Of Inquiry: Unlocking Deeper Conversations
I’ve heard you talk about with other folks too on Connext Exchange, for example, like the level of inquiry. It opens up that space that you’re talking about, that space to see what is there. It creates that conversation, which then validates someone else’s perspective or opinion or idea or something they want to share about you or how they value you or all the things that we might shut down if we don’t ask these questions.
What’s interesting also is, let’s say you and I have the same perspective on a particular issue or believe in the same cause or stand up for a certain right or want to create a similar environment. We may come at that for different reasons. There’s always more. There’s always something there to wonder about.
It’s like the element of like distinction. We have a commonality. We’re talking about a particular topic but there’s different connections to which impacts us or impacts the areas of the world that we live in. To your point, we’re bringing it from a different reason or identity or a reason for being. I love how you touched on the being component versus just doing. I know you’ve done some work on a purposeful connection or purposeful matters. You tell me. What is that word? What do you do there?
Purpose practice was something created by our mutual friend, Brent Robertson. I had the great honor of going through that experience during the pandemic which was a chaotic time, a traumatic time and a hard time for a lot of people. I was in a position that opened up this beautiful space of learning and a lot of self-reflection around purpose and passions and a lot of the stuff that you’re about, Darrin. I chose to continue to deepen a training and a practitioner offering that he was sharing.
Through that, I had this beautiful moment of realizing that being is what matters. It was one of those moments that came in so clearly of how I had placed value on myself on what I could produce being in marketing and communications. Here’s the brochure, the press release, and the event here and look at what I did and take for granted the power of being. The act of being has a profound impact and each person brings something different. A lot of people can do a job or do a thing but what you bring to it is different from what I may bring to it. The power of being is profound and one of these under celebrated things, depending on what type of communities you’re in.
The power of being is profound and one of these under celebrated things. Share on XIt’s far-reaching, too. The impact and connections that can make are being.
That being matters and being is something to be respected. Without getting too much of the ugliness of current events, we’re seeing a lot of what do you produce with healthcare or benefits or value being attached to jobs and paychecks and the idea that if someone doesn’t have a traditional job, they’re lazy or taking advantage. That’s not always the situation. Again, if we ask some questions and realize that there is value in being that may not show up in the traditional ways. I think about the time I took care of my mom during the last year-ish of her life. She had a terminal illness. I was not collecting a paycheck during that time. It wasn’t possible to work a traditional job. She needed help and care. Certainly, that has value and being mattered. Being there for her mattered.
The Power Of Words: Shaping Perceptions And Connections
It’s just interesting because you’ve had an influence on some of the thinking around the impact we could have with how we would be and how we work with other people and people in our community because we could only do so much. We’re always going to do things if we can slow down, accept and embrace how we’re being while we’re doing things or doing things with people or for people or to people. You think about the distinction even between those words of to, for and with. It could have a different impact depending on how you can use those phrases.
I like that. That’s probably going to be a little sticky for me, Darrin. I’ll think about that to, for, and with. I’ve started thinking about that when I talk about spending time and how we talk around time and consciously trying to adjust some of my language when I think of a friend for sharing with me or being with me, versus spending time and that interesting capitalistic view. Time is a resource, no doubt. The idea of sharing time or being in time together, versus spending time or, “Sorry. I took up your time.” It’s interesting to think about the power of words and the power of just being.
We all receive them differently or sometimes not at all. Sometimes they’re intentional and sometimes they’re not. It’s just as many layers consciously or deliberately. I even think about it, as we were just going down this path of being. You’re not being too or being for. Usually, you’re being with. When you’re being, that’s the human element of how we’re connecting. We’re being with someone.
That distinction of how we might bring things together, we are doing this together. We’re being who we are and yet we’re doing things for and to something or with each other to integrate. If we recognize, we’re doing with or being with, what a change of mindset and any relationship that you’re bringing out. You had a quote you sent me that I thought was pretty profound. Do you recall what that was or I could read it?
It came up as I was thinking through some of your invitations. I love when you just get hit with this moment of clarity. The idea was in doing, we are replaceable and in being, we’re one of a kind. It came after doing some journaling and even thinking about the reality of some of the jobs that I’ve had. I’ve been replaceable in those jobs because a job is doing. You’re here to do. You’re here to do something, and that lesson was hard for me the first time I was met with it. I grew up on a family farm and a family business, where work is life and life is work. It’s fluid. I was taught that you work hard and you will achieve things. That wasn’t the story in my first big girl job.
It’s interesting. Where do we make a difference? I love the quote. Rebecca, it’d be great if you could just share a little bit about what you are up to? What are you doing? We could dive into some of that as well.
Reinvention And Return: Aligning With Core Values And Purpose
I’ve been saying that I’m in this phase of reinvention and ultimately, I’ve been here before. Now, it’s just my way of life. I pivot and I adjust. I’m addicted to a learning curve. I want to make a difference. I want to be here to contribute. When I land in places where I feel like I’m not or maybe feel like the energy is no longer good or something no longer serves. I pivot. At the end of October, I left a job as a wedding event manager for a catering company. My values had flipped and I was neglecting myself and woke up to that.
Since then, I have been in this phase of pouring back into myself. I’ve now said it like, coming back home to myself and going back to a pure version. When I was a kid, my goals were very clear. I wanted to write, travel and help people. I received these messages as an adult like, “Writers don’t make money so maybe be in journalism or maybe be in PR.” You go down this road of what other people tell you your life should be like. I feel like I’m circling back to writing and using my voice.
I’ve trained in a leadership and personal development program called the BioCode System. That’s designed to help people leverage stress as a tool for personal growth and build some behavioral agility so they can be and can show up better as the person they want to be. From where I learned it to then going back out in the world and seeing someone passing or someone in a car hanging out the window yelling at them or the dialogue on social media like, “What are we doing?” That is something that I’m returning to and using my voice through writing, speaking and creating community. These are the things that are important to me now.
My personal wellness, I’m sharing gifts and tools that I have so others can invest in their personal wellness and their leadership so collectively we can do more good than harm and celebrating community. There’s this fierce individualism in our culture. Returning to community is more important than ever to me and using my experience to try to make sense of myself and build something for myself instead of pouring out into others investments and dreams. I’m wanting to invest in my own dream a bit more.
Biocode System: Stress As A Tool For Personal Growth In Healthcare And Education
How are you doing that? What avenues and domains are you supporting this?
I’m getting started. With the BioCode System, this program is beautiful and powerful created by a woman named Jill Kahn. It came out of her husband with a tumor that they diagnosed and this profound light up moment, to use your terminology came to her at this clarity and she developed this system. It’s for everyone. She and I taught it to C-suite level executives. It helps your leadership style in how you show up in challenging moments. What I’ve realized for myself because marketing to everyone is not a great marketing plan.
Through caring for my mom and being in and out of hospitals, home nurses, navigating that program, caring for my grandmother after my mom passed and now helping with my other grandmother who’s a healthy vibrant 91, but has some things. Being back in the hospital setting and seeing how stressed-out people are there while caring for people that are stressed out and not in their best moments. That’s becoming a focal point for me. Again, just getting started to network and bring the program there.
The second piece of that I’m passionate about is students and education and educators. My first big girl job I call it was in marketing communications at my alma mater, my college, and I’ve also worked at a K-12 school. I’m still involved with my local high school through the parent and alumni chapter. If we can give people tools earlier on in life, we don’t have to recover as much as adults. Those are the two areas that I want to bring this skill set to.
There’s so much there. It’s interesting about the need for our children, what kids have gone through and the mental health concerns that were shining light on because it’s very apparent to the anxiety and many things that our kids are going through. I appreciate you putting some focus there as well. It’s so needed.
I’m working a little part-time gig at a summer camp and doing some administrative work and was able to deliver some lessons from the BioCode System to the counselors. They’re in the 17 to 22 age range. It was interesting to see how they received it and just a little more detail. The BioCode System has five bio codes and it’s about taking personal responsibility for your behaviors instead of blaming someone taking personal responsibility. We talked about self-regulation and self-navigation. Those were the three of the five BioCodes we highlighted.
The idea of being comfortable with the unknown in terms of self-navigation and getting curious about things or with self-regulation when emotions are high knowing when it’s time to walk, talk or listen. You can imagine as a camp counselor with 6- to 8-year-olds and 13-year-olds that there’s a lot of big emotions and big feelings. It’s been neat to hear the counselors come back where something was sticky and they’ve made a comment about, “I’m biocoding a lot. I’ve got these kids.” Even just the little drip of the new tool or a new way of thinking, I know what makes a difference. It’s exciting. I’m excited about what’s ahead.
It puts language to something we could talk about. We could say, “Is that showing up or how’s that impacting or what is it that we’re all noticing here with these kids?” Even the counselors. There are probably people reading saying, “I know my own child or someone else.” Many adults probably come to mind. Is it too late to use the BioCode as an adult?
No, and that’s the beauty of it. It’s very age and every stage. It’s one of these practices that the goal is to do it where you can’t do it. Even if you’re this person who meditates regularly, you feel mentally healthy, there’s always sharpening and refinement. It’s the little like, “You stubbed your toe. How did you react to that?” What are the smaller pain points, the more you can refine. What was interesting when I met Jill and started to learn this, again I’m a very productive person. I have my stuff together mostly. What showed up for me was how frustrated I was in my life because I was walking around with a bit of judgment.
I was walking around with an expectation of how things should be or if this person did it this way or why is it taking so long. I never lashed out. I wasn’t passive aggressive, but I kept it all inside. That stress inside me has a toll. Stress is a huge challenge for all of us. It shows up in different ways. When we have a tool to navigate that and I learned that I needed to strengthen my patience muscle, so I did that and have done that.
Stress is a huge challenge for all of us. It shows up in different ways. Share on XOne of my favorite moments of learning that this had an impact. I had borrowed a little rototiller from my friend. I was rototilling my garden and it skipped and hit my chicken wire fence. Imagine a rototiller and chicken wire that’s bendy in a second. I turned it off. I looked at it and I went, “Oh.” I walked back to my garage. I got pliers and I very patiently undid it. As I was doing it or as I finished, I had that moment of like, “Who are you?”
The previous Rebecca may have had some choice of words. Maybe I would have yanked it or made it worse out of frustration. It was a very profound moment of taking responsibility for myself and not blaming the rock or the rototiller or the fence or freaking out about it because that wouldn’t help the situation anyway. The practice allows some clarity to show up to problem solve better and from a calmer state of mind.
It’s a level guided curiosity perhaps. You allowed yourself to take a look at things. You seem like you are you as you’re going through this and talking about this. Is that part of the epiphany that you got to that point of that level of getting the pliers out and fixing that? Did you recognize that, “This is more me than that other person?”
You’re right about that. I’ve always liked problem solving. Ideally, I want things to go smoothly but that’s just not life. I’ve had those lessons, big and small. My dad died suddenly and my mom got sick. You can have a plan and we should have a plan but there is way more unknown than known. The games we play with ourselves to think we can predict what’s going to happen in the next hour, the next week, the next day, or the next moment. Even to anticipate in a conversation what someone’s going to say, we don’t. We just don’t know. The more we can get comfortable with that, the better we can be for ourselves and for everyone around us.
There is way more unknown than known. The more we can get comfortable with that, the better we can be for ourselves and for everyone around us. Share on XThe Imperfect Journey: Embracing The Unknown And Letting Go Of Perfection
It seems like your life is, as you’re saying all this, it’s coming together. You’re not living different lives or different ways of being or being a different person. It seems like it’s all coming together nicely. I feel like this is the way you are on the Connext Exchange all the time. You bring a thought or an idea or a guest a brings these questions. You bring an inquiry that allows conversations to exist and for us to build. Not only on ideas but it’s building a community. I’m curious about your take on a Connext Exchange and how you’ve grown through the years with this. Are there any favorite episodes or episodes were, “This is such a challenge?” Anything you want to share. I’m just curious what comes up for you.
Thank you for those observations and for that question. Connext Exchange came out of the pandemic. Again, the company fathom brought people together through creating what’s needed as an opportunity to talk about and process what was happening in the world. That meant from March to September, then there was this opportunity to pivot when Brent and his colleague had to go back to work. What I realized from there, going back to the beginning. This question of, create what’s needed, what is needed, and what can we create?
For me, it was, we need conversation like this conversation. These conversations that have been offered are exactly what is needed. Through the conversations, we started learning people inside out and learning the quality of the human being versus their job titles. I think of all the networking events I’ve gone to and it’s like, “Where do you work? What do you do there? What does that mean? Do you know so and so?” It’s relevant. It’s important in its place and it’s also very surface. The conversations that we had and created what’s needed have continued intentionally at the Connext Exchange.
Our focus is on humanity, generosity, purpose and community. It’s about the human experience. When I’m talking to someone about that, I say, “It’s anything because it’s humans experiencing the world. What it’s not is here, here’s how to make a million dollars in a week or here’s our tourism plan.” It’s more about being and processing the world around us. How we end up how we do in the world. There’s still that impact there. How I’ve grown through Connext, expectations showed up initially. As you can imagine, during the pandemic, there were calls with 30, 40 and even 50 people because their lives and routines had so dramatically trained.
They were seeking connection and they had this available time for it. Our group now is more like 6, 8, and 12. There was a period of time where I asked myself and other community leaders, “Is this still worthwhile?” Inevitably, someone would join and say, “I’m so glad that you’re here for these conversations, or I find myself saying these things that I don’t say to my closest friends and I’ve been able to have the shift from the results of quantity to a result of quality.” Even if it’s one person who shows up, if that exchange means something.
It always means something to me. I love connecting with people. It’s just worth it. It’s worth making the time. I have a friend that blocks out the time on her work calendar because other people schedule her for meetings. Unless she has something with the kids, she’s usually there. The idea of prioritizing time for conversation and community is something to flip because what comes out of that can be measurable, profound and sticky and can come back around in unexpected times and applications.
Making time for growth and these conversations don’t typically happen at work either. It’s usually transactional, reactive to something that happened and not thinking about our future or how to live in the world we’re in because there’s so much being thrown out at us every day. At least in my experience, attending several events with you is what we’ve reflected. We start to feel something and explore that in ourselves. We get comfortable enough to share in this group. We share what’s coming up for us and it’s almost like a way for us to play around with the concepts that are brought up or the words or the ideas.
We help each other through it because it’s not always perfect. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about growing and being expansive together. I feel like I get so much out of those and I leave saying, “This is the world that we should have every day.” I go back into the chaos that we live in. I think I know the answer, but is this open for anybody if they want to join?
Yes. Registration is free. Everyone is welcome. Over the years, we attract a certain type of person that is curious and loves to learn. I did have a friend once tell me she just felt like the conversations were more than she could hold on to. People are in different places in their lives. They’re on a different learning journey, which is why there are so many different voices out there and different messengers to meet each of us where we are but everyone is welcome. Follow the conversation and topics change every week. You don’t have to come every week. You don’t miss out on something.
I want to and hopefully, we succeed in making it as well coming as possible. If you’re only able to read and can’t be on camera or you’re only able to come for the first 20 minutes or you’re coming 10 minutes late. We try to have open arms. If you come once, you’re part of the community. You’re part of the experience. We hold that very loosely and try to be very welcoming. It’s lovely when someone says, “I’m going to challenge that point or I’m going to push back or may I push back.”
Often, it’s this adding to, versus disagreeing. We can learn from disagreeing and it’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and have someone’s thought or idea challenge in a place where that’s the invitation. The invitation is to experiment, reflect and learn. That’s also one of the reasons that we’ve chosen not to publish recordings because there is a vibe and an energy of being in the conversation, versus being outside of the conversation. That’s something we go back and forth on.
It’s a sense of growing together versus growing apart as we’re seeing now. Again, I appreciate you leading that. I’ve seen your growth through the years, too. It’s amazing just to see your level of comfort and what you’re bringing out there and your willingness to be vulnerable. Letting your cats jump all over us in some of those events. It’s just you. I’m curious, too. How did you get here? Maybe there’s some light up moments or some dark moments or some days that animated you or maybe didn’t. I’m just curious, how did you get to this place? You seem so you like your best you that I’ve ever seen.
Beyond Job Titles: The Authentic Self And The Power Of Being
Thank you again for observing that. Darrin, it’s interesting to sit and think about the little pieces of my life and how they make sense and even things that you don’t choose and how it can make sense. I had two conversations within the span of a week with other friends that talked about, “I’m thinking of the pivots. What if I had stayed in the job or stayed in this place? What if this? The idea of working at a place for 30 or 40 years.” I had someone else as they talked about that also like using the word fail, like not sticking with and failing.
It’s interesting because if you looked at my resume, you’d probably say I was a job hopper. I loved each and every one of those jobs when I started. I’ve learned something from them, places improved or were impacted by my presence there. There came a time where it was time to part and move on. I’ve never thought of those as failures. I’ve never thought of them as successes either or like, “This is the stepping stone.” It just is what was there. I think learning to pivot and learning to be more comfortable being can turn this into a game. The amount of times we’ve used that word or the idea, but that’s what it comes down to, being authentic.
I know something that’s important to you and you value. It seems maybe simplistic like just be yourself and be authentic. Truly, I believe that so deeply in my core. That makes all the difference in the world. I can’t be Darrin. I can’t be someone else. All I can do is be myself. Also moving away from these facades of, I want everyone to accept me verses I’m going to show up. The people that are meant for me will find me and I will find the people meant for me. If you’re going to judge me because there’s a cat tail, maybe we’re not for each other and letting go of that.
I’ve had an innate issue with perfectionism and that’s been a major growth point for me, which continues to show up in different ways. I’m not sure where it came from. There’s no notable moment where I got this message that I must be perfect but there was this drive to do good and be good and contribute at the highest level. I recognized in my twenties that I was saying no to things because I feared failure. I was removing myself from potential opportunities to explore, to grow and I didn’t like that.
I am so grateful that I at least had consciousness to then choose some things I thought I wouldn’t be good at. I took a pottery class but wasn’t good at it. The teacher would also agree. I never mastered the foundation of setting and balancing your core lump on your wheel. For whatever reason, that’s not my gift. I enrolled in an adult tap class with a friend of mine who taught. Unbeknownst to me, when I joined, there was a recital, so there’s some fun little pictures out there of me at age 27 and a tap outfit.
It was uncomfortable. I’m actively forcing myself to do that and seeing a lot of growth there of, this is me. It’s for you or it’s not for you. What’s interesting is how it’s coming back around, so sharing and building my own business and what that looks like. I have helped many other people with their businesses. I love investing in other’s potential and supporting however I can. When it comes to doing my own thing, I’m recognizing how perfection has become an obstacle and has slowed me or stopped me.
I’m actively doing things that are a little bit messy and maybe out of order. I also have that story in my head of apologizing in advance. If someone questions, why didn’t you do it this way? I know that I can tell them. “I know how to do this. I’ve done this for a job.” Also, playing with that story of why is there the need to do that. Stop. Go with what’s here. Take the roads that are here.
Take the first step and see what’s revealed. It’s an ongoing thing. It’s an ongoing becoming of who I am and maybe who I was always meant to be, if you’re a believer in that and if you’re a believer that your soul comes into a body with a gift and mission. We spend our human life rediscovering it. I feel like I’m on that journey of just coming back to myself and I’m doing my best to trust. I don’t think I’m quite a surrender, but I aspire to be.
You’ve learned quite a bit along the way and you’ve come a long way, too. Some of the things you try it out with tap and pottery. I’m a big believer of doing things that we’re uncomfortable with because it’s humbling. It forces us to maybe appreciate some things that we’re not that good at. It does allow us to not be perfect or allows us to break things or laugh at ourselves and be silly because it has helped and it should help. I would encourage any of us to try things that maybe we thought we wanted to do, but we’re afraid to fail or we’re comfortable doing.
I remember taking dance lessons because I asked my daughter to do it and join. It’s like a daddy dance group when she first started dancing. It was scary and crazy but she asked and I’m like, “Okay.” I did it. It was silly and fun. I grew so much. In fact, our relationship blossomed probably as part of that. We learn and grow based on where we put ourselves if we’re going to take safe steps. You’re taking a big, bold step. You got your own journey and your path ahead. You’re iterative. You’re doing it. You’re being where you are and you’re going to keep being and keep getting better.
Being curious and believing that I have the capacity to figure it out. That’s something from a young age. My dad was someone and that’s an energy about him that I remember. “You want to do that? We’ll figure it out.” I grew up in a small rural town, where I left and went to Virginia and I moved back to. I remember meeting adults my age, where college or moving away were never discussions around the dinner table. They just weren’t even options. The dream was not an option.
Fortunately, for me, that was not the environment of my house. There was time to dream, play, be silly, entertain and question, “Can we figure it out?” Maybe you can’t always have all the things that you want or maybe the things you need show up in different ways but the idea of considering we’ll figure it out or we’ll figure something out. It’ll be okay.
It’s like, “We got this. We’ll figure it out.” You said something about farming. That’s probably the nature of you got to figure out every week and every day. There are different events going on. You’re being proactive to try to set the right conditions and yet every day is different.
Talk about a childhood that I was not grateful for while I was living in it but instantly became extraordinarily grateful for and the lessons continue to come. It was my grandparents farm and my dad was 1 of 6 kids. He started working since he was able to contribute. We didn’t do family vacations. That wasn’t a thing, whether finally or because of the chores or maybe we had plans to go to a wedding or a cow was giving birth or somebody got loose or a tractor broke. If I think about it like that, there were always these lessons of learning to pivot and wondering what if or how do we figure it out and all sorts of different ways.
It was imperfect.
Thank you. Yes.
I’m just saying. Maybe there’s some shift that you’re trying to move towards in your twenties.
You’re probably right about that. Thank you. Growing up, while I was like Queen of the horse manure pile and we would play games and that thing. In my head, I was going to go away and have an office job where I wore a suit and heels. That was a vision I had for myself. I did that and I did that a few times, then I decided that’s gross and it’s for me. There was a lack of freedom there. There was a lack of comfort there. There was a focus on things that I didn’t feel deserved my attention as much as the other things. That is interesting. Maybe you just diagnosed where my perfectionism came from of wanting something cleaner or more predictable.
Freedom As A Purpose Word: Navigating Life With Choice
Something to explore. You just mentioned the word freedom. On the Connext Exchange, we’ve talked about our purpose words. I think that was your word.
That is my word.
How is that showing up for you? How does that work when you think about having a purpose word?
Choosing a word of the year is newer for me. Freedom is only my second word and it came from my life, ultimately. I’ve aspired for a long time now. Probably ever since those first big girl jobs to have a life where I can feel free, where I can flow from work to play, to life, to the needs, to dos and to the want to dos without feeling confined or restrained or someone telling me no. Circumstances may say no to something or not yet, which I prefer to think of.
Working a job where you can’t have this day off. You’ve got to miss a family party. I’m working to live and I’m working and it’s having me miss my life. That’s never made sense to me growing up in a family business and on a farm. While there were all these things that kept us tethered, I witnessed the freedom of the balance. If you were hungry, you took a break and ate. My dad could take time to come to my softball games or my soccer games. Did it mean that he had to work a little later? It sure did.
We have choice and that’s what freedom ultimately means for me. It’s just a choice. Yes, there’s different consequences. If I choose to do this now, I’m going to have to choose to do the other thing later or maybe it’s a later night or an earlier morning. Ultimately, I have freedom to flow and just live. That’s a beautiful and powerful thing for me to commit to and figure it out.
It’s a great place. I think about that word and it’s interesting, I’ve had conversations with some people. Some people will say, “I don’t know if I could ever get to that place, the feeling or that sense of freedom. I’m not sure if I could say that I have a sense of freedom because that might be betraying other people in my community.” The word is just fascinating and I appreciate how you shared it as a place of choice for you and how you view it. The way you shared that was beautiful and perfect.
Think about our world now, how people don’t have that level or ability to choose a word or to try to live it out. Yet I would encourage people to find that word because it will show up more and more in how you want to live your life and how you want to be truly. My word is the word love. I’m intentionally trying to embrace that word because I used to shy away from it. I always felt it was too squishy. It was all about being romantic with someone and it’s a lot deeper than that. It’s everything we’re talking about at a human level.
You guys talked about “being love” at the Connext Exchange. Love could be defined in so many ways yet connects everything we’re talking about being something. How we are and being love. What that means to our colleagues, our counterparts and other humans or pets or whatever we love in the world. What a distinction and what a difference that could make. It’s not that hard.
I think about the love and sense of what I put out in the world. I’m accepting and receiving to the extent I can because I still push it away from love. I have to share that. I have loved it. I have love for you. I have loved many humans that I want to see the best of each other. I want to see people joyful and realize that they belong to. They matter. It’s a lot of things you’re talking about in our community and what we’re trying to do together in different ways as you said. We’re coming at this in a different way or a different word, yet our meaning is very similar.
I think love needs a rebrand. Love is strong and love is hard. It’s hard to love someone through differences. It’s hard to love life through disappointments now but love is fierce. When we started that in February at Connext, we talked about loving loud. This idea that all the negative messages seem so loud, so why does love have to be quiet? Who says? I want to give credit where credit is due for the phrase, be loved. That came from the King Center. They have an annual day called Be Loved Day and they have a pledge about what it means to be loved. Specifically tied to how you show up in community, issues of humanity, justice and equality and building a global community in the spirit and teaching of Dr. and Mrs. King.
Love is strong and love is hard. It's hard to love someone through differences. It's hard to love life through disappointments now but love is fierce. Share on XWhether you approach it on this interpersonal level or you’re ready to ripple out. It’s worth investing and it is for everyone. Sometimes, I do think about our conversation that connects and it’s a privilege to pause for an hour in the middle of a work day and have a conversation. Maybe it feels like a privilege to have a conversation at all, depending on where you are in life and what the demands are and investing in yourself in whatever that looks like.
If it looks like 1 minute to breathe, 5 minutes to meditate, writing in a journal or writing a thank you note. Looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, “I’m going to do my best.” All of those things are accessible. There’s a version of love, freedom and humanity that is accessible for all of us to invest in, to nurture, to share and to amplify for the betterment of all of us. We depend on each other as much as we think we don’t. We do.
Very well said. There’s this thing called AI. Probably, it’s even more of a need for us to stay connected. I think about love to a degree that feeds me joy. It just fuels me. When I try to look at folks and try to see the light in folks and turn up their light or help them come out of darkness or whatever it is that day or that conversation that we’re in. That’s what I aim to do. I’m not perfect at it.
I have my own moments where it’s absent, but having that purpose where I come back to it. It reminds me, “There it is again,” or I think of joy or happiness. It’s there all the time. We could have the debate, is it joy or happiness? It’s ever present however you want to think about it. I’m curious about how you define joy or happiness. Whatever word that you relate to or connect with. How do you keep it present? How do you keep it around you on a daily basis?
The Joy Of Play: Embracing Silliness And Authentic Happiness
A lot of other words just come to mind when defining joy. Things like flow and authenticity, even play and silliness and purpose. Those are all things that feel joyful to me. I am someone that wakes up wanting to give back. To an extent, just working or making an effort can be joyful for me. I love to play. I grew up in a playful household. I try to bring that to groups or organizations that I’m part of. It’s dangerous if we take ourselves too seriously. Dancing, music and coloring is not something I’ve thought about in a minute, but a puffed in my head so I’m going to say it.
I remember living with my roommate post-college when we’re preparing for a hurricane. I went and bought a coloring book and crayons. She’s like, “What are you doing?” I was like, “When the electricity goes out, we can color and draw.” Reconnecting with who we are and so much of that can be attached to our experience as children. It doesn’t have to be something we grow out of. I used to race my uncles down the aisle of the cow barn. There was room for play. My dad would start a water fight on a hot summer day during milking sessions.
There was always room for play. What’s more joyful than that? There is certainly sustained joy for these things that show up in different ways or this core happiness or determination that I’m not going to let the world bring me down. I’m going to bring joy. I’m going to choose to see love and goodness. That’s again a choice. What do we choose to see and what do we choose to dwell on? Play is a big one and I noticed how my energy shifts when I get out of that. The job that I left was working, eating and sleeping.
We had a family party and a great aunt asked me, “You’re no longer working there. How come? Did you stop enjoying planning the events?” I was like, “No. I love events. I love people but I was working 65-hour weeks and it wasn’t good for me.” She said, “Where are they only paying you for 40?” I said, “No, but I was working and sleeping. There was no time for life and life has to have joy for me. My work has to have joy for me. Again, I want that flow in that freedom.” Find some way to be silly and feel joy. That’s how joy shows up for me.
I love how you’re defining it in such an expansive way. It’s so important. I think we get limited to, joy means this or happiness means this. We think about what other people have and you’re personalizing it. That’s exactly the way to think about it. What are the things that are fulfilling to you that you’re serving, gifting or you’re being in a way that’s having that feeling that you did something that truly mattered to someone else and to you. Being playful, why do we let that go away? We don’t allow for that. In fact, we’re maybe protective of being silly. I love your ask like, let’s be silly. Do something silly.
There’s a phrase, act your age. What does that mean? My dad passed in his early 50s but was like a 50-year-old man, who would challenge my little cousins like, “I can jump rope better than you?” He had like a scarred-up leg from a snowmobile accident. There’s always time to be silly. We would play practical jokes. Find the joy that’s personal for you. I think joy just makes you feel lighter and when you can’t help but smile. Have you ever tried skipping and not smiling? To me, there’s a muscle that’s attached.
I’m going to try that after this.
Good. I love it.
It’s true. To your point about being lighter too, it allows space or that space you’re talking about. It’s another layer of, we expect the world a little bit more. We try to look for the good, look for our part or seek out where people are at and understand where people are coming from, level of intentionality and identity. That, again is a lot of what’s missing in the world and I love your approach on this. It’s beautiful. It opens up level play.
If we would go back to our childhood, you think about those moments when we were our brightest. We’re almost animated. We’re probably experimenting. We’re trying things out and playing. Let’s not go away from it. As you said, let’s expand our world. When I said, live your possible, is the name of the show. I love to ask my guests, “What does that mean to you?” What does live your possible mean to you? Would you give any tips to our audience here to help them live it out and love it?
Living Your Possible: Day Daydreaming And Continuous Becoming
The word possible is an invitation in and of itself. What is possible? If this isn’t working, I wonder what is. That invitation to be curious, live your possible and daydream. Again, this is something that we attribute to kids that they’re allowed to dream and kids dream without bounds. There’s no one telling them or judging them, hopefully. I shouldn’t say that. They’re allowed to dream freely. What if, as an adult, you took five minutes to dream?
Sometimes, I’ve had these conversations where it’s like, “I don’t even know anymore,” because people are so into what they’re doing that they’ve not had the time or made the time or taken the time or spent the time to imagine what is possible. Defining that for myself that it would look like to be successful in living my possible is to continue to step forward into my becoming. I’m saying that for the first time. To be open to continuing to learn, to not assume that I know myself at this moment.
I know myself in this moment in time and in this chapter, that’s informing something else and being on the journey. Maybe there’s not an ultimate destination. It’s just constant becoming. Living my possible is reacting to the world around me and taking time to daydream and honoring the call, the push, the pull of becoming and coming back to myself.
I love it. You’re becoming what you’re aspiring to be in your dreams. It’s allowed them to come to life, too. As you spend the time to do that, you’re seeing that it’s possible, so then reach. I love the connections there.
Remembering that it may not look for me, even how it’s supposed to look. It sure doesn’t have to look the way someone else thinks it’s going to look. Someone’s idea of success is very different from another person’s, so how we define that for ourselves is important and to stand confidently in that and to remember that we have choice and there are consequences. My bank account may not look like other people’s my age because I’ve made a choice. There are consequences to that choice and I’m okay with it because the cost of the other version was too much for me.
Well said again. Anything else or any final words you’d like to give our audience?
I’m just excited and energized. Thank you for bringing joy to my day. To anyone reading, Darrin’s invitation to live your possible is so beautiful. I would just encourage you to find a moment. There’s so much power in a moment or in a thought. Find your space to be free. A car concert is my favorite for me. Wherever it is, find a space for you to pour back into yourself because that’s not selfish. It’s mandatory. When you invest in yourself naturally, you can show up better for everyone around you’re better for it.
Rebecca, this has been wonderful. I love our time together. I admire what you’re doing. I’m glad and honored to be part of your journey. Again, thanks for coming and go be you.
Be you. Thank you, Darrin. I appreciated this time as well.
Be you and what you’re becoming. Thank you.
Important Links
- Rebecca Lee Desjardins on LinkedIn
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- Rebecca Lee Desjardins on YouTube
- The Connext Exchange on Facebook
- The Connext Exchange on Instagram
- The Connext Exchange on LinkedIn
- The Generative Listening
- Brent Robertson on LinkedIn
- The BioCode System
- Jill Kahn
- The King Center
- Episode 8: Rebecca Lee Desjardins
About Rebecca Lee Desjardins
Rebecca Lee Desjardins is a lifelong learner, convener and writer committed to engaging people in meaningful moments that promote personal growth, leadership development, and a greater sense of community.
Guided by curiosity and hope, Rebecca believes there is a solution for every challenge. As a certified practitioner of The BioCode System, Rebecca teaches strategies to build behavioral agility and leverage stress as an instrument for growth. As a leader at The Connext Exchange, she invites connection, reflection and exploration through conversation.
